29 Reasons Nightclubs Suck

Kelly Calls A Cab. Photo: Hot Chicks with Douchebags.

1. Club-goers more concerned with status-posturing than having fun.

2. Club-owners whom find new inventive ways to treat their patrons like garbage, well-knowing when people are disrespected they attempt to buy respect.

3. Jerkoff doormen that let hot women in immediately and treat men like they’re lucky to get in at all.

4. Doormen given the power to turn people away based upon fickle, largely ridiculous criteria.

5. Expensive cover even when a no-name DJ is “performing.”

6. Obnoxious music intended to induce feelings of excitement and reduce people to their physiology.

7. Hollywood-level fakeness: silicone DD boobs, caked-on makeup, hair extensions, spray-on tans, faux-designer accessories, Rolexes, fat stacks of (mainly) low denomination bills, colored contacts, dental veneers.

8. Nothing really happens: options are limited to douche-watching, screaming over obscenely loud music, stupefying yourself with alcohol, or making half-assed attempts at “dancing.”

9. Men are the big spenders at clubs yet get treated like second-class citizens by staff and increasingly entitled bar girls.

10. Overcrowding: sweaty juiceheads bump into you without apology. Divas get flustered that you’re in her majesties’ way when the onus is on her to maneuver around the crowd.

11. Bouncers with an axe to grind, itching to rough men up without legal retribution.

12. MMA wannabes: threatening others or fighting over inconsequential things.

13. Self-paparazzi: Divas in training constantly photographing themselves and their friend group. On-site attention whoring is a platform for more attention-seeking via social media.

14. Drink thieves: blackout drunk peasants that have the audacity of King Kong.

15. Lighting gimmicks and beer goggles make everyone appear sexier than they really are.

16. Primal behavior is rewarded while meaningful communication is largely impossible.

17. Women dance on top of tables or even the bar. Men naïve enough to join in are swiftly ejected by bouncers.

18. Cocky bartenders so fed up with dealing with drunks that they’re scarcely able to treat anyone with dignity.

19. Lone wolf scrotes assuming aggressive postures near the dance floor staring down women and giving men the stink eye.

20. Mediocre-looking women with massive egos and overdeveloped bitch shields.

21. Bartenders and waitresses so unresponsive or annoying to deal with, you’re forced to go with bottle service.

22. Bottle (lack of) service is a monumental rip-off: markup ranges from 400 to 1,000%.

23. Women feel entitled to free drinks. Men dumb enough to buy women drinks all night usually leave the club empty-handed and with a near-emptied wallet.

24. Ladies night: Spoiled females are offered free cover or cheap drinks by club owners, leaving men with the brunt of the expense.

25. Club-culture pressures average guys to behave like $30k millionaires in order to impress women.

26. Club-culture encourages women to wear as little as possible. Feminism encourages them to act outraged when men notice.

27. Small, inadequate restrooms and stalls so disgusting you wish what was seen could be unseen.

28. Men proudly hold bottles of Grey Goose in an attempt to attract parasitic women.

29. Wearing sunglasses indoors is tolerated in clubs with stringent dress codes. (joke)

To wrap-up here’s a clip from ‘Nightclubs are hell. What’s cool or fun about a thumping, sweaty dungeon full of posing idiots?’ by Charlie Brooker:

I’m convinced no one actually likes clubs. It’s a conspiracy. We’ve been told they’re cool and fun; that only “saddoes” dislike them. And no one in our pathetic little pre-apocalyptic timebubble wants to be labelled “sad” – it’s like being officially declared worthless by the state. So we muster a grin and go out on the town in our millions.

–Photo: hotchickswithdouchebags.com

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14 Comments

  1. As much as I’m a club-going fanatic,I gotta agree with a lot of the points here.Too numerous to mention lol.

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  2. Well said. It is so true! The phenomenon is now mainstream and universal. It amazes me how people accept it as normal. Rarely is this cultural practice questioned or challenged.

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  3. RX-78 Alex

    This is why I prefer to go to raves, or clubs/events with a rave-ish vibe; they’re completely different from club culture:

    Club culture: Status jockeying meat market with music functioning as glorified wallpaper.

    Rave culture: Music is the central focus with attendees coming out to dance and have a good time; friendly and down to earth people; douchiness and status whoring is minimal, if not outright non-existent.

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  4. Lenny

    Instead of meeting 1 night stands/bar sluts, go meet bitches through your social circles and get in longterm relationships with them – more than 1 at once if you want. The only way your ltr’s are going to work wonderfully is if you wear the pants and enforce your expectations. Some universal expectations of healthy men are to have a submissive, feminine and sweet girlfriend. You can literally train a bitch to behave this way if you enforce your expectations (address me with respect, satisfy all my sexual needs, do not be interrupt me when I’m talking,e tc) through your God-given male authority over a woman.

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  5. I hear all the other sentiments and comments on this post,but by no means are you(Adam) advocating a boycott of nightclubs lol?

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    • Adam Geddes

      Suggesting a boycott would make me hypocrite as I get dragged out to clubs I wouldn’t visit if left up to my own devices.

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      • I run into the same thing. After converting over to partner dancing–ballroom, country, salsa, swing–my previous friends insist on dragging my by my neck–kicking and screaming–back into the mainstream nightclubs that I abandoned.

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  6. Hypothetically, if all men boycotted nightclubs, they would all go out of business overnight. The reason is because these businesses rely on men for more than half of their revenue. Furthermore, it would bring an end to this phenomenon of women only dancing with each other 99% of the time on the dance floor (at least in my city). Realistically, however, I don’t believe you could ever get enough men to boycott nightclubs to change the status quo.

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  7. BTW Ken,I like your site.Will leave my input and commentary later.Interesting stuff.

    Can’t seem to find a link for twitter though.Follow me and we’ll follow each other(if you’re on there) http://twitter.com/Socialkenny

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  8. I’m glad I found this blogging network, where we can sound off and compare notes about nightclub culture.

    Kenny, I dig your blogosphere as well. A lot of good content, and you’re passionate about your craft. I recently gave up Twitter, because I never used it enough. I’ll bookmark your blog and keep in touch regardless.

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  9. B. Johnson

    Nightclubs are where losers congregate to judge themselves. In the real world they always fail to measure up but in that fake world overpopulated by the lowest common denominator the human race has to offer, they find comfort.

    My only encounters with night clubs was as a bouncer. I have only once gone to any as a patron and the once reminded me why I dislike them so much.

    As for bouncers with attitudes, well I must admit that it only took a few nights on the job to conclude that the patrons were for the most part the dregs of society and hardly worth contempt, much less the dignity I would give to a normal human being. It was my job to treat the ugly, fat, and painted whores well because loser males with absolutely no dignity or self respect would happily empty their wallets to gain the favor of these horrific caricatures masquerading as human women. Since the males had no self respect and were essentially whipped at birth, we could treat them any way we pleased and they would still throw the bulk of their wealth at the painted fugglies. These guys are morons. The average street hooker is better looking, offers better service, and can carry on a somewhat intelligible conversation, yet these fools happily toss out their entire week’s wages for nothing more than an upset stomach and a sexual encounter with only themselves.

    Years and exposure to the human race has left me with little respect for the folks who seek the “night life.”

    If you want to meet quality women join a gym and get there early. Losers sleep in.

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  10. ernie

    I got fed up of endless line up even when your on the guestlist. Girls that dont even look at you or barely cause they are all after the douchy good locking bartender or doorman so they can skip the line up . Truth is : doormen and bartenders pick up chicks mostly … the regular client come home empty handed most of the time . Im goodlooking and score with many girls … in nightclubs = never.

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  11. And for the women, let’s not forget the reasons listed here! Lol!

    http://skyespitfire.wordpress.com/2013/09/09/men-to-avoid-in-nightclubs/

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  12. Just from my experiences, these kind of places suck! You either have girls acting like they’re lesbians, girls who will call “rape” or a bouncer after you if you try to dance with the wrong one, or just a bunch of girls with stuck-up attitudes. Don’t forget the gold digging self-entitled girls who try to find the next sucker to buy them drinks all night, then just leave these men in the dust!

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